the ministry of mothering...

I don't have any trouble falling asleep. Never have. When I was little, my mama would count and I'd be fast asleep by the time she reached three.

But for some reason I couldn't fall asleep that night. I was restless and frustrated.

I rolled out of bed, flipped on my phone light, and opened my Bible.

I usually read through a book in the Old Testament and a book in the New Testament, and was working my way through Jeremiah and had just finished Ephesians that morning. I decided to start with Philippians that night.

I read the first chapter, but kept going back and rereading verse nine and ten:

 

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless

until the day of Christ.

I spent the next hour meditating on that verse and what it meant to have love that abounds in knowledge and depth of insight.

Still couldn't fall asleep.

The next few hours I spent praying. Praying over my husband, my child, my family and church. Praying to be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend.

Though I couldn't fall asleep, I began to thank God for this special time to solely focus on Him in the stillness of the night. I began to think that maybe this, this worshipping in the dark, was maybe the reason I couldn't fall asleep. The Father knew that I needed this.

I had just climbed back in bed around 1 AM, when I heard the baby crying over the monitor.

We had been working for months to get her to sleep in her own room. And yes, she is over a year old.(gasp!)

Don't judge, mmkay?  She's got a double dose of stubbornness so every night has been a battle.

If you've never had a child who is a terrible sleeper, you just won't understand. (No need to share tips, tricks, or methods--I think we've tried every possible suggestion, read every book and article, and have smiled through more well-intentioned lectures on sleep training than I care to count.)

And side note, since the night of this particular story, she has been sleeping through the night in her own room for weeks now, so no need to clutch your pearls in horror anymore ;)

I went in her room to check on that stubborn, crying baby, hoping against all odds that she would just sooth herself back to sleep.

Nope. Standing in the crib, crying like her life depended on it, was my wide awake little girl.

For the next hour and a half, I tried every trick in the book to get her back to sleep. She would have no part of it.

I could feel my exhaustion get the better of me. I began to feel frustrated. That peace I had felt hours earlier during that time of communion with the Father, was slipping away fast.

The next several hours were a blur. I tried my hardest to keep the baby quiet in our tiny apartment, so my husband, who would be leaving for the hospital at five in the morning, could sleep.

The crying was grating on my nerves, the constant flailing of little arms, legs, and feet were driving me crazy.

Somewhere between three and four, I cracked.

I didn't think I could do it anymore. I hadn't slept through the night in over a year and I sure hadn't gotten a wink of sleep this night. Day after day and night after night of holding it together and spending myself for my family had caught up with me.  Physically and emotionally, I was frayed.

I sat on the couch sobbing, while holding a jabbering, completely wide awake baby.  I lashed out at my husband who came to check on us and ask why I wasn't in bed. I was exhausted and done with this whole difficult night.

I wished I hadn't prayed to be a more patient mother. Apparently, God decided it was as good a night as any to stretch me and teach me a lesson in exactly that.

(So you know, don't pray for something you're not willing to be tested in. Lesson learned.)

Finally, sometime after the sun had risen and my husband had left for work, both baby and I fell asleep for a few blessed hours.

When I woke, I was ready to begin again.

This mothering thing? It is the most difficult, yet most rewarding job I've had.

But, until that night I had only thought of it as my job. Not as a ministry.

Some are called to minister in the church, in their jobs, in their community. And often, I've thought I must be missing something. Must be missing out on some ministry opportunity.

But the morning after that crazy, tear-filled, exhausting night, I realized that this is the ministry God has given me for the time being.

Maybe that abounding love that I had pondered on, was what this was all about. That knowledge and deep insight to discern what is best? Maybe this was best. His best for my life.

For years, of course, I have heard preached that a parent's first mission is to their kids. To raise them to love Jesus more than anything and to put Him first above all else.

And yes, I knew that, but after being questioned time and time again, why I choose to stay home with my child or if I'm ever going back to work in the ministry; and after particularly difficult times when I've felt like I'm failing as a mother, I wondered if  maybe I heard God wrong. Maybe I am missing out on some important mission He has called me to.

But today, I stand fully confident that though He might have a different calling for others,  my calling and ministry is this: to nurture and grow my little one to love the Lord. To daily give her to Jesus and lean on Him to impart the wisdom that I need to mother her heart. To, despite the difficult and exhausting times, despite what others may think, discern what is best for our family as I try to raise my sweet babe to know the Father.
Because, raising up a new generation for His kingdom, is indeed a ministry.

Children are not a distraction from more important work, they are the most important work.

-C.S. Lewis

The place I love best...

That old, rickety swing there? That quiet place under the trees, where the branches bow to touch the ground?

That place is dear.

The wooden seat is worn and the ropes are slightly frayed. The thick, old branch from which it hangs has started to creak over the years. And yet, it is the place I love best.

It has been the place that I've returned to time and time again over the past nine years and oh, the stories it could tell. It has seen joy and tears. Heard songs and rantings. It has been the place of daydreams and of whispered longings. Of romantic glances and courting blushes. Of baby giggles and squeals. It has been a sanctuary and a hiding place.

Some of my favorite moments have been on this swing.

I wrote several songs there. Had serious talks with those I love while clinging tightly to the ropes. Laughed while swinging high to hit branches with our feet during our courtship. Twirled ecstatically around and around after saying yes to marrying the man of my dreams. I even cradled my little one while gently swinging during her first Kentucky summer.

It is the most peaceful, hushed, and loveliest of places and by far my most favorite bit of earth.

I talk to God on that swing and He has made Himself known there.

Not long ago, I took the last turn on the old swing before the cold sets in and I whispered to that old friend to please make it through just one more harsh winter.

And as I sat there, gently rocking back and forth, that old swing taught me a bit of life.

Each time I sit to swing, I have to chose which way I'm going to sit.

See, one way faces the south with the sweeping view of the glorious rolling hills of the pastures. During spring and summer the hills and valleys are lush and green and sweet calves dots the countryside. During the fall, the leaves change and fall, and the view is bathed in autumnal light. The landscape is truly inspiring. Except, for those pesky branches from the low hanging sycamore tree that always smack you in head when swinging at any height. It's not the easiest way to sit but the view is otherworldly.

Then the other way faces north. It is a completely uninspired view of the road and neighboring homes. But the way is wide and clear and you can swing as high as your legs will pump you, without getting a faceful of branches.  It's the easy, ugly, fun way to swing.

And I began to realize that the choice of which way to sit resembles the choices in my own life.

It's all a matter of perspective, really.

The way with the most beauty and reward isn't the easiest, smoothest way. There might be more obstacles (or a face full of branches) along that path. The way that brings the soul closer to the Father might just be the hardest and most difficult journey. When our feet slip along the rocky paths and we feel beaten down by the hardships, that is when our faith is strengthened and our hearts resolve to cling fast to Him. The harder way brings the lasting reward.

And likewise, the easier way, the wide and clear path, doesn't bring the greatest joy or highest reward. When we chose the easy way out, we aren't tested and tried, and our faith lacks depth. If our lives were simple, fun, and easy there would be no need for faith, for trust. There might be immediate satisfaction but no everlasting reward.

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, 

and many enter through it. 

But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only few find it.

Matthew 7:13-14

The past few months have been difficult and wearing, but I have been reminded by that dear, old swing, that the view is worth it. Sure we could be taking an easier, fun-filled path, one that requires less sacrifices and tears, but temporal joys cannot compare to the eternal rewards.

We may come out bruised and battered, but we will continue swinging with our eyes fixed upon the Glorious.

Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, 

and that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

The Adventure Begins...

 

 

Well, yes. I have been avoiding this little piece of virtual earth for awhile now-- a month...two, maybe?

And really, it's all because of this little word, trust. I haven't much of it.

And I've struggled with it. Wrestled back and forth with this simple concept of "trust in the Lord with all of your heart."

Because, I'll be honest, I haven't struggled with it much before. And it's not for lack of trials in life either...but simply, because I am so far out of my depth and comfort zone that I just can't even deal.
Yes, I've experienced deep, wounding hurt--the death of my father, loneliness that makes the soul ache, the betrayal of a dearest friend....but even in those times, I have been able to see the hand of God weaving His threads of grace into the life tapestry. I've seen His peace on the dying face of my father and felt the assurance that I will see him again the World to come. I've felt the never failing love of my family and friends when I've been lonely or betrayed. I've seen His hand opening doors wide and clearing the path on which I'm to trod.

But. This, though maybe not as wounding as past trials, has stretched my soul hard. Because of the call to blind trust.

I am a planner. I like order. I like certainty.

I have the soul of an adventurer and a heart yearning with wonderlust--but I prefer the adventures of books and the wonder of daydreams.

I'll be real, I'd love to see the views from the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro, but would likely never make the trek to the top. I'd love to see what lies beneath the waves of the deepest ocean, but would rather watch it on a documentary.
I am the person who stops to ponder and breathe in the beauty of the Smokies on a drive through the hills of Appalachia, but would be held back from wandering those hills alone by a crippling fear of snakes.

I don't do spontaneity. I just might take said hike, provided I had a few days to plan, acquire the right shoes, make sure I had my trusty snake wrangler (aka husband), and ready myself for adventure. I need to be mentally, emotionally, and attire-ly ready for everything.
I'm a homebody. I'm a small town girl. I like routine and like that the biggest news in my cozy, Kentucky town is that the water tower is being repainted in an American Flag mural.

So that's me. I don't do uncertainty and am more than happy to spend my adventure in front of the fire, with coffee and a good book.

But, God stretches us, doesn't He? He pulls and gently prods and asks us to trust in His plan, not ours.
And even though this plan of His hasn't turned out at all like the one I had in mind...the past few months and the looming year ahead has been a harder pill to swallow than usual.

See, I had it all planned. I would grow up and probably marry a farmer--not because I particularly liked farmers but it seemed like that's what he'd be. We'd renovate our little farm house, fill it with children, and sit in rocking chairs on the front porch and talk each night.

But then I went to college and met a dark, handsome,brilliant and brooding pre-med student, and knew (even though I swore never to marry a doctor) that, Golly Moses! God's plan was so much better!
So, my plans adjusted. We'd marry, wait until after med school to start our family, and live happily ever after.

And God laughed. After an engagement, break-up, second engagement, rainy wedding day, four moves, and year and a half after getting married,  we were surprisingly blessed with our little girl.

So I'm no stranger to plan changes and have learned to grin and bear it because "Expectations ruin relationships."

But, this one. Oh, this one has been hard.

Because when I said, "I do" to that medical student with the calling from God, I didn't realize how much that calling would cost. And now that the calling is being fulfilled, I've struggled with being bitter at the One who gave that call.
That calling didn't just require lots of studying to pass those medical board exams, but required MONTHS of being alone while he spent every waking moment studying to excel at those exams.
That calling was not just to become a doctor but to be a neurosurgeon, one of the most competitive and demanding, and least family friendly specialties.

Wanna hear a not-so-funny, all too real joke?
"How do you hide a dollar from a neurosurgeon? Tape it to his kid's forehead."

So, this is life. The days, literally, days, spent without seeing the husband. Months spent in different states while he's on his away rotations. The endless hours of solo-parenting. The completely empty bank account that funded his travel expenses to interview at different residency programs across the country, in hopes that he'll be one of the 400 applicants that will actually get one of the 193 spots open this year. The crying during baby's first birthday as we walked the aisles of the toy store to only "look and hug" toys that we couldn't afford to buy since the bank account was overdrawn.
The uncertainty of not having much of a choice in where he will match. Of knowing that it's a gamble and we really will end up wherever the residency logarithm matches us, be it near or far. That wherever we end up will be unfamiliar and quite possibly be thousands of miles from family, and I will mostly be doing life alone for the next seven years since residents are called that because they  reside and spend pretty much every waking moment at the hospital.

So I've spent the last few months burying deep the mourning for the life I planned and the resentment of the sacrifices required of this one, because my sweet, tired husband doesn't need another stress added upon his weary shoulders.

And I've railed at God--- albeit unconsciously, by pulling further and further away from resting in Him. I've resented His perfect plan because frankly, it's hard. And I don't like it. And why would He give a calling to my husband that requires such familial sacrifice?
Is it fair, God, that he's missed almost every big milestone in our daughter's first year?

And so, as you can see, I'm learning. Learning that He never said His way would be easy. Never guaranteed that I would like this path or that it would match my dreams.

I'm also learning to try to let go of my plans, to release the tightly clenched fist of dreams that I want so desperately and see the blessings of letting the Father have control. Trying to look at the past and see His faithfulness in exceeding the dreams I once had and trusting that He will do the same for my future. Trying to release the thousands of fears that plague my heart about the great unknown and keeping the trust verse on repeat in my mind.

When I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God whose word I praise--in God I trust and am not afraid Psalm 56:3-4

And it's hard. I'm not completely there yet...but I'm taking it day by day and reminding my quietly adventurous heart that it's time to prove it's mettle and live life boldly and courageously, because I have been promised that the best is yet to come. And so, the adventure begins...
 

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

C.S. Lewis

 

When God has a British accent...

I watched a documentary about a man who serves as butler of a grand castle in England. 

Everyday for twenty years, he has set out the breakfast china for the Earl and his family, carefully measuring out the distance between every dish, glass, and utensil.

The camera panned in for a close up of him carefully polishing a spoon before setting it on the fine linen covered table and then reaching to straighten the center floral arrangement.

His voice was calm and refined as he said, "It's very important to maintain standards because once they disappear, they will never come back"

Sometimes God speaks in a still, small voice and other times I hear Him speak through His Word, but today, God used an English butler to convict me.

What the ear hears and the eyes see are seldom forgotten. And in today's society, we are bombarded with the noise and clatter of the world.

A world where innocence and standards are vilified as stuffy, unnecessary, and confining.

Where those who chose to keep their minds guarded and hearts pure are regarded as old fashioned and delusional.

It seems that even within the church, we no longer measure our standards by the word of God, but have bent and bowed to the world's example, so far so that I fear we might break altogether.

And by repeating the world's mantras, we Christians have made excuses for the low standards within our own lives. 

Boys will be boys. It's just the current fashion. Everyone goes through a "wild" time. Young people will experiment. The Bible doesn't say I can't. It doesn't affect my walk with the Lord. But I love him/her.

I have been guilty of it, too.

And I wonder if God doesn't ache when He sees His children compromising so much of their integrity and lowering the bar and their expectations.

And I see it in my own life. I've been one who has made excuses and claimed that what I watch, read, and hear won't really affect me. That saying this, laughing at that, going there, having a relationship with them doesn't change anything, really.

But it does. And like that wise, old butler, I am realizing that once my bar of standards has lowered, it is very hard to raise them again.

I can still hear her voice in my head whenever I step out my front door, just as I audibly did every time I'd leave the house when I was growing up.

 "Remember who you are. Remember Whose you are."

My mother knew that sometimes a young kid needed reminding-- reminding that my life was a living testimony for the world, yes, but more importantly, my heart was His home, my body His temple. And when I would allow myself to compromise my standards, it was harder to keep my soul in a place of peace and to keep my heart fertile ground for spiritual growth. 

Keeping our standards high is not how the world will know that we are Christ followers--no, they will know us by our love. Too often we confuse that--thinking that by living the right way, dressing the right way, doing the right thing is how we show that we are Christians. 

I have realized that these standards, morals, boundaries--they are not for the world's benefit but our own.

Out of our love for the Father, we desire to come before Him with clean hands and a pure heart. We desire to draw near to the purest place where He is, and that is much easier to do when our hearts are not swayed by anything that could draw us away from Him.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Romans 12:2

It appears that God, sometimes, has a British accent.

The Covenant...

I am no longer my own, but thine.

Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt.

Put me to doing, put me to suffering.

Let me be employed by thee or laid aside by thee.

Exalted for thee or brought low for thee.

Let me be full, let me be empty.

Let me have all things, let me have nothing.

I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure and disposal.

And now, O glorious and blessed God,

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,

Thou art mine, and I am thine.

So be it.

And the covenant which I have made on earth,

Let it be ratified in heaven.

Amen

--Wesleyan Covenant Prayer

For the past three years, this is has been my anthem...my daily prayer of remembrance. The reminder of who I am and what I've committed to. 

John Wesley's prayer resonates with my spirit and his words are a deep well of confirmation of what faith really is.

I have found it is easy to pray these words when life is good. When there is security in the future, money in the bank, and joy in the heart. 

It is easy to say "Thy will be done" when His will benefits me.

It is easy to say "put me to suffering, bring me low, and make me empty" when joy overflows and blessings are abundant.

But I know, even in those good times, that the covenant isn't one I can take lightly.

For it is much harder to pray "let me have nothing" when I truly have nothing and it feels as though there is nothing left for Him to take. 

When my heart aches and the dreams are crushed and loneliness consumes and that covenant's ties bind hard and feel more like a noose than a lifeline.

When the heart cries, "Why, Lord?" and the soul yearns for relief from one attack after another.

When there is no strength left and my faith feels weak from being poured out again and again, and I fear that my brittle spirit will break.

Because it usually gets worse before it gets better, and the fighting is on all fronts and I am battle weary.

When the finances are depleted and the rent needs paid. When the loved one's diagnosis steals the greatest joys in life. When the spiritual attacks are strong. When you have to keep it all together or no one will. When loneliness steals the joy and the bitterness festers.

That is when the covenant is hardest.

And it is in those times when I have realized that the covenant isn't for this world.

It is a covenant that binds across the bridge of eternity.

'And the covenant which I have made on earth, Let it be ratified in heaven.'

One day, all will be brought to light. All of the trials and questionings will be revealed and I will see clearly the reasons behind them.

For now we see through a looking glass, darkly;
but then face to face; now I know in part;

but then I shall know fully even as also I was fully known.

1 Corinthians 13:12

What is done here on earth, the disappointments and trials, are simply the shadows of glory.

Though we now live in the shadowlands, we will one day walk in the unveiled reality of eternity and we will understand that the pain and suffering were just the longings that couldn't be satisfied by this world.

And there, dwelling in His glory, that covenant will be confirmed and it will mean more...for we walked blindly in the valley, committed and trusting that He would bring us through it.

Sweet hour of prayer...

It was one of those days.

I had just tuned in to live stream the IF:Prayer gathering, excited to pray with women all across the globe...and my computer died.

 

Had just gotten the charger plugged in and the live feed up again, when my sweet babe decided it would be a good time to "sing" at the top of her lungs while racing around the living room with my cell phone.

I got her settled quietly with a book and examined my phone only to realize that she had gooed it so thoroughly that the speaker now makes a crackling noise--compliments of those two top teeth coming in.

Again, I focused on quieting my heart to pray. We were praying through Jesus's High Priestly Prayer in John 17, when I saw her reaching for my mug of now cold coffee.

I wasn't fast enough.

My white slip covered chair next to the side table is stained.

I'm not happy.

I pull the mischievous baby away and grab paper towels to mop up the mess.

My Bible now has coffee stains on top of the red Kool-Aid stains from that kid tripping with his drink during my youth lesson last year.

I exasperatingly wipe the well-worn and pen-filled pages and turn around.

The baby has shredded the roll of paper towels.

Again, I am on my knees in front of my computer, trying to come before the Throne of Grace, all the while fending little fingers off the keys of my computer.

The speaker is talking about prayer and gratitude. Thanking God for His holiness amidst the trials of our lives.

Ellie cries and I pull her onto my lap, which allows her better access to the keys--she's clever that one.

After multiple closes and reopenings of the webpage by flailing baby hands, I'm ready to give up.

This "sweet hour of prayer" is not so sweet. In fact, it's downright frustrating.

Those days when I could spend hours at a time talking to the Father, fully present and pouring out my heart, are few and far between anymore. It's discouraging.

And in my frustration and exasperation, I am startled by the truth.

I look at my sweet baby.

See her arms reaching to be held. Her eyes begging to be seen. Her voice crying to be heard. Her little heart longing to be noticed by me--begging for Mama's attention.

I see myself in her.

I am her.

I so desire to be noticed and heard by my Father, that I flail and yell, crying for His ear and attention, that I completely miss what He wants to say.

I fill my time in prayer with my own agenda, my own words, that I ignore His implore to be still.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.

Psalm 37:7

The mystic, sweet communion is not one-sided. It isn't just a time for me to lay my burdens and cares upon Him but it's also a time for me to hush and lay my heart open wide to receive His words and rest in Him.

I love the moments when my little one is quiet and simply resting in my arms. When I can hold her and shower love upon her with no frenzy or flailing about, no restlessness or crying. When the hurried heart and busy hands are still.

It is in those moments when she listens. When she can easily hear what I am saying--no distractions or interruptions.

But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

Psalm 131:2

My prayer now, today, is that my mouth will be shut, my pride will be crushed, my heart will be open, and I will be still, that I might hear the Father. That my communion with Him will be just that--communion. Not just a one-sided conversation, but an intercourse of my giving praise, repentance, and  requests; and receiving His truth, healing, and strength.

 

In repentance and rest is your healing. In quietness and trust is your strength.

Isaiah 30:15

When dreams change...

I had that dream once.

Thought I would change the world.

Thought I'd grow up and do something big--something great.

I get it, mama. I do.

I get how hard it is to find your big purpose when the dishes are piled in the sink, and soccer practice conflicts with the church event, and dinner is PB&J again because you forgot to thaw the meat in time, and there just isn't time for much world changing.

I've been there, friend.

I've been one who has punched the clock, 9 to 5 and sometimes 6 or 7, because there's always work to be done, and the bills need to be paid, and you take what you can get in these economic times. I've woken up to the alarm and dreaded the day of working to live and not living to work, but put in the time anyway because we don't all get to change the world with a big dream.

I've felt that feeling of drowning in nothingness. Of feeling like I'm never going to make the difference because I'm shackled to the daily grind--the never ending "day in and day out".

And I've known the deep yearning to do something. Something of value, of huge change, of dreams coming true. I've felt it. Daily.

I've felt the disappointment at seeing others changing lives, following their hearts, and living their dreams and wondered what in the world am I really doing?

I love being a wife and mama. Love seeing my husband's and baby's beautiful faces each day. They make my world go round.

But, I have heard that voice whisper often, "What difference are you really making? Lots of people are wives and mothers and workers. Nothing you do will change the world."

And it stings. Because what tangible change have I made?

What will I leave behind when my days are past? What dreams will I have actually fulfilled?

I struggle with the earthly hope of being someone special--someone who makes a difference--all the while knowing that God has called me to this place called here. This place called now.

I have been called to be present. To be the reflection of Christ to this world I'm in. To my husband, to my child, my friends and family. This is living the dream.

And that, I am learning, is enough.

I am enough.

Me, with the crazy, messy hair, the t-shirt covered in spit-up and spaghetti sauce, and jeans with the knees worn from playing and praying on the floor.

Me, with the atrocious grammar, the simple degree, and the pitiful bank account.

Me--Mama, Wife, and Worker.

I may never change the course of history. May never be known for a great accomplishment. May never make a big difference. May never have my name recognized beyond my family and friends.

But I want to be able to stand before my God and say I did my best to show His love, grace, and mercy in my little corner of life--in the daily grind.

So, my dreams of being a world-changer have changed.

Today, I will fulfill the most glorious dream of being a child of the Living God and find the beauty in the calling to be present where He has placed me.

And maybe, just maybe, in setting my dreams beyond this world and living for the next, I may find that I have changed the course of history...that I will have made a difference in the realm beyond. Be it only in showing His light and love to those I come in contact with or that in pressing closer to the Father, others might be encouraged to do the same.

Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory.

Colossians 3:1-4

So, yes, my dreams have changed.

And being wife, mama, worker, and worshipper? Those are the stuff dreams--real dreams, present dreams--are made of because He has given them to me.

Because what I do here, though it be simple and mundane, can make all the difference in the world beyond.